Martin

Caring for aging parents can exact a heavy price on the family caregivers. Caregiver stress is a serious issue that most caregivers pay little attention to until it has them in it’s grip. How do you draw the boundaries so you have a life of your own and the rest of your family doesn’t grow to resent the time you’re not spending with them?

McMillian makes some good points worth remembering.

It’s a controversial question that really started me thinking. Like all good questions, this one raises more questions than answers.

On the surface, it seems like a good idea particularly when a sibling (typically a daughter or daughter in law) quits a job to provide the care. Cutting back hours or quitting altogether has a price. You lose the current income and insurance benefits and gain reduced retirement security. Plus, your life gets put aside. It can affect your marriage, your health and your financial security.

One question is “how much is that worth”? Not an easy question to answer. How do you define compensation? Time? Money? Services? All of these? Within a family, each member has a unique set of abilities and capacities. Some are better able to provide financial support, others emotional support or time.

How do you establish a “fair” compensation? To make this idea work requires sibling willing to sit down and hash out a meaningful understanding. Some families are blessed this way. Sadly, most aren’t. Plus, you need individuals who understand the value of planning before a crisis.

Once you answer that value question, the next one is “where will the money come from”?

In families with well-heeled parents, the source is obvious. But what about those families with limited resources? Who picks up the tab?

Following where the question leads runs straight into an unavoidable reality: families with bad family dynamics won’t be able to agree on a compensation scheme. There’s another element at play in the background, too.

Most of us prefer not to deal with a problem until it’s a problem. As Kevin mentions in his MyDecide post “99% of the people I know, myself included, are horrible procrastinators. We get in gear only when there are compelling reasons to do so . . . like a family crisis. But for that, we fill our time with what’s in front of us. ”

Figuring out what the compensation should be and where the money will come from requires exceptional family dynamics and a willingness to plan for the incapacity of aging parents. While the concept has a nice initial ring to it, I have my doubts you’ll see many families that warm to the concept.

What are your thoughts?

Mr. Eldercare

Instant handling

1. Get away for a while. Simply walking into another room or around the block can calm you down.
2. Count to 10 before responding. It’s what our mother’s told us when we were kids. It still works. Give yourself time to regroup emotionally.
3. Take smooth, even, deep breaths. You’ll add much needed oxygen to your blood stream. Plus the act of controlling your own breathing gives you a sense of control over your situation. Breath in and out slowly for at least 5 full breaths.
4. Tell yourself you are in control. This simple, stabilizing action allows you to maintain better emotional balance when life around you seems out of control.

General tips

1. Be assertive but not angry when expressing your concerns and needs to others.
2. Write in a journal what events trigger you anger. See if there are recurring problems or issues you need to addressed.
3. Know your limits and those of your loved one and other caregivers. Setting unrealistic care giving expectations for yourself or others leads to unnecessary stress.
4. Maintain objectivity. Ask yourself if it’s really worth getting upset about. Can you find something humorous in the situation instead?

The key to controlling caregiver anger is so understand what causes it. Step one is recognizing that you are angry. Next, determine what part of the event caused you to flare up. Finally, decide what steps to take to eliminate the cause.

If you suffer from caregiver anger most of the time, it may be time for you to take a break from care giving or to find more help. To find local help, use the free services of The Eldercare Locator, a public service of the Unites States Administration on Aging

What you’re feeling as caregiver anger could be a simple extension of a personal sense that you lack control over your situation. Common sources of caregiver anger include

• frustration,
• emotional hurt,
• feeling annoyed,
• harassed,
• disappointed or threatened.

Caregiver anger is a common reaction that caregivers experience. It’s also important to understand you need to handle that anger constructively.

Ignoring anger doesn’t make make it disappear.

Failure to effectively handle your anger can lead to increased tension, accidents, personal health problems and difficulties at work. Left unchecked it can eventually lead to elder abuse and violent reactions.

There are many reasons for a person to have caregiver anger. There are just as many ways to get help for it, too. Many caregivers are able to deal with this problem through some simple self-help anger management techniques.

Tomorrow, I’ll cover 10 fail proof ways to deal with the anger and keep yourself under control.